To my best friend,

Your mere existence is something that should be celebrated everyday.

There are things I wonder about a lot, like how we came to be. Our friendship, a happy accident. I believe God puts people into our lives for a reason, and his timing is never wrong. You came into my life unexpectedly, but perfectly with time. I’m glad that after 5 years, our friendship remains. You taught me a lot about friendship, and what it’s like to be truly valued by someone, that even if I was to strip every layer to reveal my truest self, you’d still love me for me. You never failed to show that to me all of these years, and you make it look so easy.

“𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙚.” ― 𝘔𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘈𝘭𝘣𝘰𝘮

6,900+ miles away, you hold me with warm embrace as if you were right next to me. You understand me. You see me. On days where I feel alone, unloved, I open my drawer and reach for the letters written by you. I have found so much comfort in those letters.

I’m grateful for the memories made with you, memories that i’ll carry with me for a lifetime. The tears, the laughs, the moments spent with you.

I’m not a huge fan of cities, especially busy cities like KL, but there is no one I would rather adventure around Kuala Lumpur than with you. The things that other people would find uninteresting, together we found such great meaning in them.

On days that you feel alone, and it all feels too much, remember that I am only a call away. I will never get tired of listening to you talk about everything and nothing. Even when you text me pictures of washi tapes / stickers you found at MR. DIY and get excited over them, that excites me. I love it when you talk about the things that excite you. You can always share your joy with me, as well as your pain. I will listen, and continue to listen when you need someone to hear the thoughts that fill that mind of yours.

You’re here, at 22. Every single day that you make it through is a milestone.

You are not a failure. You are not a burden. You matter. You matter and you have mattered since the day you came into this world. The world would be so different without you, Miza. I would simply not like to imagine a world without you in it. Your existence alone, has brought so much light into my life. I cherish this friendship dearly. You have so much love inside of you, I wonder how a person can be so selfless. You know how to make people around you feel special, because that’s who you are. You have such a big heart. Even when you’re struggling with your own demons and going through a hard time yourself, you continue to try to spread light around you. I admire you for that.

If you’re tired, rest. You are allowed to slow down and rest. Healing is a difficult process. At times it feels like you’re on top of the mountain, and then you’re at the bottom again, but that is the process. Don’t you ever give up on yourself. You have come such a long way and i’m so incredibly proud of you. I hope you find it in you to be proud of yourself too. I know this journey called life is far from easy, but my darling, you have braved through many storms, and that takes so much courage. It’s amazing to see you blossom into the beautiful woman you are today. I will continue to hold your hand and walk this path with you. I am rooting for you, always.

All that you are is what makes you, you. And I love you because you’re you.

I love you, no matter what.

Sincerely, Sumrah.

relapse.

for the past couple of months, I tried to be in-denial. I’ve been struggling, but not wanting to admit it to myself. I’ve been happy for almost a year. I didn’t want to fall back into this place, not after I worked so hard to get out of it. from september I could feel something inside me changing. the joy of everyday life slipping away from me. I could feel myself slipping away. I thought maybe the bad days I experienced would just be a few bad days, but those days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months.

to fall back into a place of darkness after being in a “good place” for over a year feels strange to say the least. I know I have been in this place before, I could say it was much worse than what I am experiencing right now, but this all feels so new. like i’m experiencing it for the first time.

waking up in the morning with my heart shaking with anxiousness. I tell myself to not give in to the negative voices in my head, but it feels like they’re overpowering me. it’s so frustrating. it’s like an itch you can’t scratch. I know this isn’t me, I know this is far from who I am, but I don’t know how to escape myself. I have become so afraid of myself.

i’m just so afraid. I don’t like to show people i’m struggling, but it’s getting to a point where I don’t think I can even hide it anymore. i’m in so much pain. it hurts so bad. i’m hurting. there’s nothing going particularly wrong in my life, so why the hell do I feel like this? what triggered this? I don’t want to be like this. I feel wrong for even questioning my pain.

everything felt so right before, I really felt okay. I felt like I couldn’t break again.

but i’m breaking again.

the me I remember, she feels so far away. unreachable.